Finding Silence
It’s been eight weeks since I quit my job, and I’m still finding it hard to let go and trust, which was the entire point of this whole explosive decision. I knew jumping straight into a new life and a new way of thinking wasn’t going to be as easy as snapping my fingers, especially given what I had on my plate the weeks following my career departure. Still, I hadn’t planned for the feelings I would encounter at this point in the journey.
Just following my resignation, I had nearly three full weeks of visitors from out of town. Our guests were by no means unannounced - my father passed away in December of last year, and we had planned the memorial for Easter weekend so that my family had time to plan the trip. A few days after my family’s departure, my best friend came to visit for a long weekend. All of these visitors, coupled with the emotional weight of grieving my father, and also dealing with the impact of leaving a job that had strangled my nervous system for almost 4 years, left me feeling heavy in a way I hadn’t anticipated when I first made the bold decision to leave. One might say I was being delusional for not expecting this. I was, in fact, aware of every one of these circumstances and had planned my resignation, knowing full well what was occurring in my life around it. But still here I am feeling surprised by my current state of mind.
“So now, I sit, eight weeks in, and feeling the heaviness of life and uncertainty about where I’m headed. ”
Once all of our out-of-town guests returned home, and I felt like I could finally immerse myself fully into my inner work, we were given an unexpected cancer diagnosis for our beloved dog, Jeter. This, of course, led to more grief. So now, I sit, eight weeks in, and feeling the heaviness of life and uncertainty about where I’m headed.
The entire objective of this pivot in my life was to let go and trust. Trust the Universe, trust myself, trust the process. I have been working with meditation for over a year now and am on what some would call a spiritual journey. I choose to think of it as an inward exploration. Whatever you want to call it, the purpose of it is getting back to myself. Listening to the voice within, healing my inner child, letting go of fear and limiting beliefs, and exploring the desires that come up along the way. All of that sounds easy enough, or it did to me at least. But I’m learning it’s not as simple as, “quit the job that’s causing you stress, and everything else will align.”
I thought the freedom would lead to ease and exploration, but it turned into more planning and stress over what I should explore. What was meant to be fluid has left me feeling rigid. So I’ve decided to hit the reset and fully let go. Of control. Of expectation. And of fear. To go inward, really listen, and be okay with the silence I find. They say that’s where the magic really is.
