Discovering A Sense of Proportion: Walking In This World - Week 2

This week's focus was on identity, transformation, and becoming larger. As children, we often have many dreams of what we will become. Over time, those dreams are either nurtured or extinguished by the world around us. I recall dreaming of becoming an actress, dancer, model, photographer, singer, and lawyer, just to name a few. But I never truly felt that most, if any, of those were attainable dreams. Was this because I was never fully nurtured to pursue anything? 

Tasks

This week’s tasks seemed simple enough: take a pen in hand and answer some fill-in-the-blank phrases as quickly as possible. Once you had the answers, the task was then to spend at least an hour with yourself during the week to further reflect on what comes up. 

As is fairly usual for me, I found myself stuck on many questions, specifically when asked to name people who helped me see my gifts or who supported me in my dreams. As the youngest of 7 children, all of whom (in my eyes) had found their talents early on, I often felt like the outlier. I never really knew what I wanted to do and never felt “overly talented” in anything. I was “okay” at multiple things, but never felt like I excelled or had the potential to excel in any one thing. I’m sure many people have similar experiences, but I always felt mine amplified growing up with a talented artist, actress, dancer, musician, athlete, and writer. It’s as though I felt there was nothing left for me.

My mother always placated me by saying, “It’s because you’re good at everything”. This, of course, seemed like the right thing to say as a mother, but it just left me feeling that I wasn’t pushed to pursue any of my talents fully. So now I’m doing the supporting and pushing myself, but starting by trying everything to see what feels right. 

Artist’s Date

This week I also felt the return of something that has become more common lately: feeling like I am not expressing my true self in the way I present myself to the world. For most of my life, clothing has been how I express myself, and I have always loved getting dressed. But over the last few years, that has faded- not the desire, just the expression. My daughter and I were talking the other day about how everyone dresses the same, and for the first time in my life, I included myself in that group. 

That sparked my Artist’s Date for the week: a date with myself at the thrift store. I am no stranger to thrifting; I’ve been doing it for so many years I’ve lost count, but rarely do I get to do it alone. So this week I took myself to the thrift store with no one else's timeline to worry about on a mission to find pieces that truly spoke to me and were original. It was much-needed time to myself to explore my creativity and self-expression. I didn’t have much luck finding anything, but I did reignite the fire to keep hunting and making a point of dressing for myself again.

Weekly Walk

Like last week, I made a point to walk somewhere outside of my normal neighborhood walk at least once. I tried a different trail than the week before. My typical morning walk is about 30 minutes, and the mornings here in Phoenix start sweltering early, so I was looking for a short, easy hike. I found a nearby trail and headed out around 6 am. The trail was definitely easy; it was just a small path that circled the area in front of a mountain that held more difficult trails. 

My morning walks are done in silence. I used to do music or a podcast, but I have switched over to silent walks to be with my thoughts. I have had many mini epiphanies on my walks, including my walk in nature last week. But this path had me feeling uninspired, and I was thinking about how I wouldn’t come back to this location in the future. About ⅔ of the way around, the path became very unclear. Grass and plants were overgrowing, and I couldn’t quite tell which way to go. I found myself pulling out the map of the trail on my phone and trying to decipher which direction I was supposed to be taking. What it was showing me seemed very clearly blocked by overgrown desert plants, and that’s when my epiphany came. Why do we feel such a need to follow the path clearly marked? Why was I trying so hard to make a way where I clearly was being blocked just because someone said that was the way to go? Why can’t I forge my own path, doing things in a way that brings me joy and feelings of freedom and bliss? And that’s exactly how I feel about my journey right now. I’m trying something new, but somehow there is still a pull to do it a certain way, a way that has worked for others before me. But what if I just do it completely different? In a way that feels true to me? Isn’t that the point of all of it? 

So while my walk may have seemed boring and uninspiring, it turns out it’s not always about the location of the amazing views. Sometimes it’s just about making my own path and following my own way.