Today marks seven months since I left my job to pursue a more creative life. I’ve spent a lot of that time figuring out what that means. I’ve explored different mediums, taken online courses, and watched and listened to other artists. But even after months of creating art nearly every day, I’ve only recently felt comfortable calling myself an artist, and I still struggle to say it out loud. I make art all day; I am literally the definition of the word, yet imposter syndrome shows up every time I say it. Why? Maybe because I don’t make a living doing it, maybe because I don’t feel worthy of the title. These are things I’m working on.
This time I’ve spent working on myself, and my art has been amazing. I feel calmer, happier, and more like myself than I ever have. But over the last few weeks, I’ve been feeling something else, too.
I hesitate to call it reality because that makes everything I’ve been doing sound like a fantasy. But at some point, I do need to figure out how to pay the bills, and I’m not sure what that looks like yet. What I do know is that I can’t go back to where I was before. I can’t return to a 9-to-5 that leaves me with no energy to create something for myself, not after all the work I’ve done to get here.
It was hard to break free from what was normal, to remove the masks of who I thought I was expected to be. It would be easy to go back to that now, to resume work as usual. Returning to what is familiar is the easy way out.
It’s taken me seven months to get to a place where a different kind of life feels possible, and it still takes work every day. There are moments when I question what I’m doing, where this is all going, and feel the need to have it all figured out. I want to know that the time I’ve spent exploring and creating is leading somewhere.
But I also love the not knowing. There is a thrill in a future that hasn’t been written yet. I love the person I’ve become and am excited about where all of this is leading. So I can’t go back, but I’m still figuring out what moving forward looks like.
I’m going to start with something small but terrifying: I’m going to list some of my art for sale right here on the blog.
It feels like a big step because it means putting something I’ve made out into the world and allowing it to exist beyond my own little creative space. Maybe someone will connect with it enough to want it in their home. Maybe no one will. But if I never try, how will I know?
For now, I’m going to keep creating, keep exploring, and keep figuring things out as I go. I don’t have a plan or a clear picture of what this is all supposed to become, and I’m ok with that. Maybe I even prefer it that way.
